So…I’ve always classified myself as an introvert. I like people, I’m just not so easy to open up and let folks in. I have a select group of close friends who know everything about me and then there are others who I know and am friendly with, but I don’t always let them in. Sometimes, I’m shy and of course you know I’d rather be in a corner with a book somewhere than in the middle of a crowd any time.
Recently, I had the pleasure of going to an India Arie Concert for her Soulbird tour. It was amazing. I’ll post more on that later. But her new album Songversation has a track called Break the Shell. When she talked about it, I could so see myself in the words.
“Child it’s time to break the shell. Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt. You can not touch the sky from inside yourself. You cannot fly until you break the shell.”
I thought about all the different things I’ve missed or haven’t experienced because I’ve been so stuck in who I thought I was. Sometimes I’ve doubted who I could be and haven’t even tried to for fear of failure. There are so many things I’ve started or attempted but haven’t finished for that very reason. I always wonder what would happen if <fill in negative action here> and would ultimately decide it may not be worth the effort because “it’s not going to work anyway.” I can’t worry about tomorrow. God’s provided provision for today and that’s all I need to know! Today is the day I’ve been given. I can’t change yesterday and I am not promised tomorrow!
I think that’s how I started getting lost in books. It didn’t hurt to read. Now, don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love to read and won’t stop doing that. But that’s always been my escape. It does not hurt. It’s easy. No one is going to judge me for doing it. No one could tell me I was doing it wrong. (though…some crazy people tried…but I blew them off.) If I didn’t want to read a book, I didn’t have to. If I wanted to skip pages, I could.
There are lots of things I’d like to do…but I’ve never been brave enough to do them because…I’ve convinced myself that I couldn’t…I’ve had so many disappointments…that really really hurt and I’ve not wanted to keep experiencing that. I’ve had days where I’ve just felt so numb that I haven’t wanted to do anything to, for or with anyone. I just wanted to not feel. Then, when I’m trapped inside that numb box, I just want to not be there. I want something else. I see folks experiencing life…and I’ve been a voyeur for too long being jealous because others were enjoying themselves…
Well…that ends now…I’m tired of sacrificing my desires based on my on fear. I can’t do it any more. “Life’s going to hurt but it’s meant to be felt.” So what if I fail. That just means I should try again only harder if it is something I REALLY want to do. If not, then it was not for me! I’m so excited. There are so many emotions flowing through me right now. I can’t begin to describe them.
This morning, I sent a friend a prayer because she was on my hear this morning. The words she returned made me laugh and overwhelmed me. The shell breaking…she said I already do it in this blog. She was echoing some of the things I felt in my spirit. Some of the things I’ve written in this very post were repeated in her reply. She told me that I need to find a way to do that OUTSIDE the internet. In the real world…through my words that are written, spoken and sung. Hmm…she may be on to something there.
As if that was not enough confirmation, my daily Joel Osteen devotional spoke to those same things in my spirit! WHAT?! God is absolutely amazing. I’m going to be still in this season. In this season…I’ll just be still and in that stillness, I will enjoy my life. The chaos that surrounds me will not be a deterrent. I’m in charge! (well…not really…God is…but you know what I mean…)
I always see those photos like these…
Then…I think…I’m living….NOT! I’ve simply been existing. I’ve been afraid to laugh because laughter sometimes lead to tears. I KNOW I’ve been holding back on loving…because like I told you before, people disappoint you, but as I’ve embraced God’s love for me…I’m embracing the concept of loving much. I’ll love so much that I’ll tell the truth! I will no longer be able to withhold the truth or bottle it up to keep from hurting feelings. I used to do that exercise where I just wrote whatever I was feeling down without ever telling a person how I felt. I’ll probably still do that, but it doesn’t help if I don’t tell the offender. Whether that person is a friend, family or other, it’s important to say it. Bottling it up never helped a single person. In fact, it’s done more harm than good. It leads to health problems. Lord knows I’ve got enough of them….PROBABLY FROM BOTTLING STUFF UP! The only thing I want bottled is water…and maybe some of that Red Electra on occasion! I’ll no longer forfeit my own peace for the sake of others. My needs are important too! Look out world. Kimyatta’s breaking that shell!
So the next time someone shares a dream or goal, do all you can to encourage them no matter what. While you can’t be accountable for the actions someone takes, you can be the difference between someone living or dying. Speak life.
Until next time,