So…what happens when you take a girl who is on a journey of self discovery and place her in front of a mirror? You get someone who never paid attention to her own beauty before. For too long, I’ve accepted that my size was a barrier to my beauty. The numbers on the scale said that I was ugly and unattractive. Celie said it best, “You’s think I’s ugly. Mmm mmm mm…You show is ugly!” Well…here’s what I’ve learned about the scale:
My numerical relationship to gravity! I love it!
A few weeks ago, I was at the barber shop getting what’s to be my signature hair style. I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection on the door and froze. “That’s me?” I wondered. “Wow…look at my waist. Look at these curves.” I turned around and checked out my view from the back and wanted to go slap the fudge outta Kim Kardashian. “Looka there!” Lol…I was suddenly enamored with what I saw. I saw a sexy 30 something staring back at me. I finally realized that I was not alone in the barber shop and went back to being civilized.
I would always hear people say, “you’re pretty for a big girl.” I’ve even heard men say, “you know..you’re sexy for a big girl.” or my favorite, “you know when you get down in your weight some, you’ll be just as sexy as Beyonce’.” Really guy? That’s how we’re doing it? Ugh…(men are stupid – okay..not all…but really?) Here’s one for you…I’m just as sexy as any of them…RIGHT NOW! I know this post sounds a little vain, but I’ve said so many negative things about my physical appearance in the last 37 years…I think I’m due some self love. know what I mean?
Last night, we had church at our main campus (we have 4 soon to be 5). In the sanctuary, there are cameras and at any given time, you’re subject to be on the big screen. Well, because I’m in the choir, that happens a lot! I used to always cringe at my image, because I was just angry that I looked that much bigger on that big ole screen. Well, last night, I walked in the view of the camera and as I did, I happened to see myself on the big screen. Again, I thought…”DANG! That’s me?! Hey sexy mama!” lol. Sexy is a word I’ve NEVER used to describe myself. But after these last few weeks…I do believe that’s about to change! Honey…This one here is a brickhouse! OW!!! (now they’ve got my measurements a lil wrong in the song…but it’s alright. I wasn’t born yet…) lol…
So…this morning, when I got ready for church, I was as we say…”feelin’ myself”…I was sure enough believing what I know to be true. I’m not only beautiful, but I’m daggum sexy! Ha!
Now…the top that I’m wearing in actuality is a dress. I bought it and loved it but I thought it was a top. It wasn’t until I saw my sister in the exact same one in orange that I realized it was a dress. Now..in my more conservative age…it’d be too short for me to want to wear it as a dress. I’d be worried about showing all my goodies. I’ve even covered cleavage because I just don’t want everyone seeing what all I have to offer! Don’t get me wrong. I’m no longer ashamed of the body I’m in. Some things though, I’d just rather wait to show to the right person! (you know..the him that the Him upstairs is preparing…yeah..him..)
Anywho…while I realize that my weight loss journey is going to result in a slimmer me…I’m not going to wait until I’m slim to be beautiful and sexy. I already am and dagnabbit I’m going to act like it! In the infamous words of Chuckie Finster, “I’m not ascaird anymore!” Anyone who can’t accept that can just go ahead and take a hike with my ex Fear. I gave him some very specific instructions on what he could do if he didn’t like me as I am. I want you to know that it’s a new day!
So…the next time you decide to drop by unannounced and I answer the door in a bikini, my underwear or my birthday suit…well…just stop blushing and get unashamed…because I’m not. I love this body of mine…no matter my current size…and I’m gonna keep being me.
Until next time,