At the beginning of 2013, I was still working in that call center that I still will not name…I remember waking up with a sore throat but knowing I would just go to work. I figured, I felt fine…just had a sore throat. Well, I hopped on the phone like always and the more I talked, the more I realized, I was losing my voice. Every person that said something on the phone said, “oh my goodness, you sound horrible!” I remember thinking, “but I feel fine.” Finally, I decided to tell my supervisor that I was having a problem. She said, “Well, I can understand you.” Aggravated, I pressed on. Like I said, my throat was sore but aside from that I felt fine. So I kept water near me and throat lozenges were my breakfast and lunch that day. About an hour after I talked to my supervisor, my manager called me and ordered me off the phone. I went to the urgent care…strep test came back negative…just a sore throat. Well the next day, my voice was completely gone. I couldn’t even whisper!
I waited a few days and went back to the doctor because the issue hadn’t resolved itself. The doc ordered me 2 weeks of voice rest. Two weeks turned into eight! Eight weeks, I was supposed to not talk or talk as little as possible. Considering I sang every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday at church and worked 8 hours a day on the telephone, I was seeing some serious problems! I wasn’t mad about not talking…I was mad that I wasn’t going to be able to sing! Me. The one who wakes up with a song every morning was not going to be able to sing! I couldn’t believe it.
Well, eight weeks later, I was better, not good as new as allergy season was upon us at that point…just better. Something strange happened…I went to choir practice and something irritated me. I mean I was downright angry! Then when it was time to sing, either Sunday or Thursday and I’d be either mad or overwhelmed with sadness. This went on for months and I never told anyone for real because I didn’t know how to express it. We would sing songs and I would think about the words and it meant nothing to me. One night, our choir director admonished us to encourage the people and reminded us that we have to believe what we’re singing.
That was the moment I realized my problem. I didn’t believe what I was singing. We were singing a song called Higher by William Murphy. My throat closed up. I couldn’t sing it because I didn’t believe. There’s a part at the end that says, “I got my joy back” and it dawned on me that I didn’t have any joy. It was September already and I had gone the whole year with no joy!
The next morning I woke up very early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I lay there listening and heard absolutely nothing. The root of my problem was discovered! I had not been waking up with a song! How could that have happened I wondered over and over again. I tried and tried and tried but I could not hear my heart’s song. The music was gone! I had lost my physical voice which lead to a loss of my spiritual voice. When I tell you that was the worst feeling in the world! It’s undescribable. I cried many days and nights with no reason I could come to. My friend Nicole prayed with and for me. I literally felt my spirit and flesh wrestling.
Before long, I had it back. It was only through prayer and seeking God that it was restored. So on the cusp of the new year I had my song again.
Now I’m more apt to listen for it. If I don’t hear it I immediately pray and wait for it. When my spiritual ears are opened I get my song and proceed with my day. Back in October or November, our choir began to sing a song written by our fabulous lead guitar player, Quintrell Bruno, called Never Be the Same Again. I was at a low point and close to losing my song again. The lyrics are just amazing. The melody is haunting but it stayed with me. I’ve listed the lyrics below but the part I needed…The part I always hear throughout my day…goes..:”don’t you know how much God loves you. Don’t you know how much he cares?” That’s the part I always need to hear. It was introduced to me late in the year but I’d heard it more in my spirit in the last quarter of 2015 than any other song all year long. It’s such a healing song. It’s the balm for my wounded soul. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to experience it. Read the lyrics here and see what I’m talking about.
This same thing with losing my song happened to me again at the end of 2016. This time though, I was in a place where it was all black. I couldn’t sing. Standing in the choir stand, Watch Night, I know my face told a story that words couldn’t. I couldn’t even open my mouth to sing and I was scheduled to sing for two services on Sunday morning! I didn’t know it but I was at the door of my breakthrough! One of my choir sisters prayed for me and I didn’t even know it. All I knew was that between Saturday night and Sunday morning, a wonderful change came over me. I had my song back and thankfully, I have come to a place of freedom and I will never be bound again. I don’t have to wrestle with the darkness for that reason again.
So…what’s your song? Have you listened? Listen to your heart. It’s there.
Until next time,