Happy Birthday, Kenya!

 

Today is my brother’s 39th birthday! Kenya loved lots of things.  Music, church, time, good food but more than anything, he loved his birthday.  Now he loved his family too, my mama was his “Dear dear”…but that birthday?…yeah he’d beat you down about his birthday if he had to.  As soon as the new year arrived, he’d remind anyone, “My birthday May 16th….” And he’d never…EVER let you forget…that he was a grown man…lol

Now…my sister is his favorite sister.  He would call me sometimes and instead of a hello, I’d get, “YoutalktoKiki?” or “Youtalktoyasista?”  I’d remind him that he hadn’t even said hello to me and he’d give me his famous…”oh…I’m sorry….” then…”You talktoyasista?”

I’m the big sister, the one who made him an uncle.  For whatever reason, he gave me the nickname Jelly Roll when I came to spend one summer at home to work the summer program my mom runs.  I asked why he called me that.  He said…”cause you look like a jelly roll!” I said, “Kenya!  That’s not nice, I don’t look like a jelly roll!  That’s food!”  I proceeded to show him some google photos of jelly rolls.  I said, “see, these are jelly rolls.  Do I look like that? These are not even people!” He said, “yup, that looks just like you!” and he giggled and walked away.  My daughter, he called Billy Goat.  He never would tell us why though, but he delighted in calling her that.  Since I had a nickname, I gave him one…it was Fatboy.  He thought it was funny and we clowned each other with those names.  I finally figured out that the reason he didn’t give my sister a name was because she already HAD a nickname.  Ohhh!

That same summer, he made me feel like a rock star because he said…”You cook well!” Now if Kenya complimented my cooking, then I KNEW I was doing something right.

Kenya and I shared a love of music.  He could be found any evening giving a concert to a private audience in his room.  He had his speaker, his microphone and his CDs and that was all the audience he wanted.  If you wanted to listen, you had to wait outside the door because if you walked in that room, he would pause the music and say, “Wassup?”…like…”What do you want…I’m in the middle of something…” lol….Once, when I was home from college, we were riding in my mom’s car and I was listening to one of my favorite artists at the time…Alanis Morissette’s Ironic on the radio.  I was singing along like I always do in the car, and it got to the chorus, and to my surprise, he chimed in singing and was doing the famous headbanger move….It was hilarious and couldn’t have been more perfect if we’d planned it that way.

One of my favorite things about Kenya is that he constantly reminded you of the time.  Personally, I hate being late and get irritated when others are.  If I said…”come on y’all it’s almost 9, we gotta go!”  Kenya would say…”I got 8:56″.  Basically….almost doesn’t count.  Once, at my aunt’s house he’d reset her clocks.  They were all 15 minutes fast.  My aunt quickly blamed one of my younger cousins because she just KNEW he knew how to do it.  Kenya was never a suspect because unfortunately, no one thought he knew how to do it.  After my aunt fussed and fussed at my cousin who continued to swear he didn’t change the clock, she stormed back upstairs.  Next to me…he said in a low voice…”clock had the wrong time…had to fix it…”  I roared laughing because the whole time she fussed…he’d never said a word…

Aside from all that…my favorite thing about my brother is that he liked to have a good time.  Whether that was at church, at home, at a restaurant or on a holiday or vacation…whenever…wherever, Kenya knew how to celebrate.  He quite enjoyed life and when he was in party mode, you couldn’t help but enjoy yourself too.

People always say rest in peace or rest in heaven when someone is no longer with us.  I’ve always thought heaven to be a place of singing and celebration…isn’t that what they always say? The heavenly choirs of angels will be singing praises all day long? Well in that case I KNOW there’s a party going on right now.  He’s singing in that big ole choir and having him a good ole time…doing what he loved.  I’m glad I got to be his big sister, even though I wasn’t his favorite.  I’ll forever be Jelly Roll (though he’s the only one who can call me that…) and he’ll forever be my Fatboy…It’s our first birthday without him.  I know we would’ve been here celebrating…going to your favorite places and doing whatever your favorite sister had planned…(well…aside from the whole shelter in place thing…)

Happy birthday Fatboy!  Party in Heaven!

Hakuna Matata,

Jelly Roll

 

 

So…What’s your song?

At the beginning of 2013, I was still working in that call center that I still will not name…I remember waking up with a sore throat but knowing I would just go to work.  I figured, I felt fine…just had a sore throat.  Well, I hopped on the phone like always and the more I talked, the more I realized, I was losing my voice.  Every person that said something on the phone said, “oh my goodness, you sound horrible!”  I remember thinking, “but I feel fine.”  Finally, I decided to tell my supervisor that I was having a problem.  She said, “Well, I can understand you.”  Aggravated, I pressed on.  Like I said, my throat was sore but aside from that I felt fine.  So I kept water near me and throat lozenges were my breakfast and lunch that day.  About an hour after I talked to my supervisor, my manager called me and ordered me off the phone.  I went to the urgent care…strep test came back negative…just a sore throat.  Well the next day, my voice was completely gone.  I couldn’t even whisper!

I waited a few days and went back to the doctor because the issue hadn’t resolved itself.  The doc ordered me 2 weeks of voice rest.  Two weeks turned into eight!  Eight weeks, I was supposed to not talk or talk as little as possible.  Considering I sang every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday at church and worked 8 hours a day on the telephone, I was seeing some serious problems!  I wasn’t mad about not talking…I was mad that I wasn’t going to be able to sing!  Me.  The one who wakes up with a song every morning was not going to be able to sing!  I couldn’t believe it.

Well, eight weeks later, I was better, not good as new as allergy season was upon us at that point…just better.  Something strange happened…I went to choir practice and something irritated me.  I mean I was downright angry!  Then when it was time to sing, either Sunday or Thursday and I’d be either mad or overwhelmed with sadness.  This went on for months and I never told anyone for real because I didn’t know how to express it.  We would sing songs and I would think about the words and it meant nothing to me.  One night, our choir director admonished us to encourage the people and reminded us that we have to believe what we’re singing.

That was the moment I realized my problem.  I didn’t believe what I was singing.  We were singing a song called Higher by William Murphy.  My throat closed up.  I couldn’t sing it because I didn’t believe.  There’s a part at the end that says, “I got my joy back” and it dawned on me that I didn’t have any joy.  It was September already and I had gone the whole year with no joy!

The next morning I woke up very early and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I lay there listening and heard absolutely nothing.  The root of my problem was discovered! I had not been waking up with a song!  How could that have happened I wondered over and over again.  I tried and tried and tried but I could not hear my heart’s song.  The music was gone!  I had lost my physical voice which lead to a loss of my spiritual voice. When I tell you that was the worst feeling in the world! It’s undescribable. I cried many days and nights with no reason I could come to. My friend Nicole prayed with and for me. I literally felt my spirit and flesh wrestling.

Before long, I had it back. It was only through prayer and seeking God that it was restored. So on the cusp of the new year I had my song again.

Now I’m more apt to listen for it. If I don’t hear it I immediately pray and wait for it. When my spiritual ears are opened I get my song and proceed with my day. Back in October or November, our choir began to sing a song written by our fabulous lead guitar player, Quintrell Bruno, called Never Be the Same Again. I was at a low point and close to losing my song again.  The lyrics are just amazing. The melody is haunting but it stayed with me.  I’ve listed the lyrics below but the part I needed…The part I always hear throughout my day…goes..:”don’t you know how much God loves you. Don’t you know how much he cares?” That’s the part I always need to hear. It was introduced to me late in the year but I’d heard it more in my spirit in the last quarter of 2015 than any other song all year long. It’s such a healing song. It’s the balm for my wounded soul. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to experience it.  Read the lyrics here and see what I’m talking about.

This same thing with losing my song happened to me again at the end of 2016.  This time though, I was in a place where it was all black.  I couldn’t sing.  Standing in the choir stand, Watch Night, I know my face told a story that words couldn’t.  I couldn’t even open my mouth to sing and I was scheduled to sing for two services on Sunday morning! I didn’t know it but I was at the door of my breakthrough!  One of my choir sisters prayed for me and I didn’t even know it.  All I knew was that between Saturday night and Sunday morning, a wonderful change came over me.  I had my song back and thankfully, I have come to a place of freedom and I will never be bound again.  I don’t have to wrestle with the darkness for that reason again.

So…what’s your song? Have you listened? Listen to your heart. It’s there.

Until next time,

 

Hakuna Matata

So…I Remember Mama…in a happy way…

Most people I know have heard the song by Shirley Caesar…”I Remember Mama”. It is played in heavy rotation around the holidays and especially around Mother’s Day. In it…Shirley recounts a few memories of her mother. I’ve always loved the song. As a little girl it always made me kinda sad because her mother had gone on to be with the Lord. Even then I knew that my mom was very important to me and I didn’t want to imagine life without her.

Thankfully, I don’t have to know that pain as my mother is still living but I wanted to highlight some of the lessons I’ve learned that have helped me in this adult life and as a parent.

Lesson Number 1 – Do it well or not at all.

My mom has always been good at being of service to others.  She volunteers and does things that need to be done whether she’s been asked to do it or not.  When she does something though, there is no “half stepping”.  It’s done to the nines and while being the best or better than anyone else wasn’t her goal, she always has people wanting for more.  Her things end up being something to use for comparison.  “Well, when Elaine did it…we had blank blank blank….we should do it like that…”.  What that taught me was that you have to be your best for whatever you are called to do.  If you’re going to do a project and you have the resources to get materials, do that.  Don’t just throw something together at the last minute.  Take the time to do it right and everyone you’re attempting to serve will be grateful that you did.  If you can’t do it well, then step aside and let someone else who will give it their all do it.

Lesson Number 2 – Work hard.

My mom was a single mother and she worked her tail off.  I’ve said before that she has always had 2 or 3 jobs when we were coming up.  But in those jobs and along the lines with lesson number one, she taught us to put in the work for what you have to do.  There’s no point in going in there and not doing your best.  In the end, what you do will carries your name and people will look at you crazy if you do something lazy.  It will look like you did it lazy.  No matter who is watching, always always, put the work in whether everyone else is or not.

Lesson Number 3 – Your children are worth it even when they get on your nerves.

There was never a time we went without something.  I can’t tell you the countless activities I was involved in that cost a gazillion dollars.  My mom worked and we had everything we needed and a lot of what we wanted.  As a parent now, I see how expensive it is just to have a child exist.  When you add into that fees for things at school or other activities, you need about 8 streams of income just to make it through and that’s just with ONE kid.  She did it with 3.  When we were ungrateful, she would remind us how hard she worked and rightly so.  In 2003, I had brain surgery and was recovering at her home.  With me, I brought my toddler.  My sister also had a surgery during my recovery time.  My brother has Down’s Syndrome and lives with my mom.  So…what was my mom doing while taking care of the four of us and herself? She was working full time, part time and in school working on her Master’s Degree.  When the tables were turned later that year and she had a surgery that put her in need of care, we didn’t get it right.  I mean, we were helping, but Lord we weren’t doing it right.

Lesson Number 4 – Don’t worry about what other people think.

At the end of the day…you’re responsible for the things you do.  You can’t please everyone.  There will always be someone who is unhappy about whatever you did.  Guess what? That’s their business.  It’s their right.  That doesn’t mean it has to change who you are or what you do.  When it comes down to it, whether someone likes what you did or not, it’s something you did and chances are it has no effect on their lives.

Lesson Number 5 – Sometimes you have to be gangsta.
People who have known my mom for less than 10 years might not know this about her…but my mama is gangsta….lol.  She was She-Ra before She-Ra!  For as long as I can remember she’s been very independent and handles business no matter what.  I watched her move furniture across the room or out of the house without help.  There’s no need to try to act helpless like you don’t have 2 hands.  She did what she needed to do.  Lazy men standing around watching? Psh…not on Elaine’s watch.  “Y’all need to grab a box and help or something, don’t just stand there!”  Once upon a time, we lived in a place that may not have had the best security.  No worries!  My mama had a crowbar ready for anyone who might be big and bad enough to enter our home uninvited.  I once saw her take a glass bottle and break it against the side of a house to defend herself.  There was no fight, but the person who tried her life (as The Teenager would say) knows better and won’t even come close to trying her these days.

I remember in 1994, the Flint River flooded its banks and she went down to Albany State to help bag sandbags to minimize the damage to the school.  While she was there working, we were home and had the news from the local authorities that we’d have to evacuate our home.  When we made it to my mom to let her know, she came home in no panic and packed her some things because we’d packed her nothing (crazy kids).  Then she found cinder blocks and put all of her furniture up so that if our home did flood, maybe the water wouldn’t damage those things.  I was amazed at how calm she was and so proud of her for keeping us calm.

Lesson Number 6 – Never give up.

This is probably my favorite lesson of all.  When I was little, we lived in Washington Homes in Albany…it was a low income housing complex.  My mom was working on her undergraduate degree and our car stopped working.  She had class that night but do you think that stopped her?  Nope.  No one was available to come take her but she didn’t care.  She put on her walking shoes and walked right on over to Albany State.  Right out the projects, across the civic center’s parking lot, across the Flint River bridge on Oglethorpe and right on down to her class.  She was determined.  Her mind was made up and she was going to finish her degree.

My mom has also been on a weight loss journey for a few years.  She’s been the example for me because she has not given up.  She is making a true life style change and it shows in her progress.  The gym is now her second home.  Walking trails are her best friend and she loves to drink water! Each day this encourages me not to give up on whatever goals I’m pursuing.

Lesson Number 7 – Be yourself and be unapologetic about it!

My mom retired from Dougherty County School System in December 2009.  She taught English and Language Arts to juniors and seniors that year.  Some folks were pretty upset that she was leaving.  People called to offer her jobs in other schools in the system.  Some even went so far as to call our pastor to try and convince her to stay.  My mama said, “No.  I’m retiring.  This is my time.”  No explanations.  No apologies.  Just…No…and she was dead serious.  Of course January came and her next opportunity landed in her lap.  She though didn’t care about what anyone thought of her.  She wasn’t insecure.  She didn’t waiver in her decision, she just moved on because the time was nigh and that’s what she wanted to do.

These days though…she’s turned into Patty Pound Cake…She makes these delicious little individual pound cakes and puts so much daggum love in them that you can taste it…No other pound cake is good to me…not even my own!  She sells them…so lemme know if you wanna buy some…but every now and then…she sees where some love is needed and whips up a bunch…told you she’s the best!

I could go on and on and on and on and on and on….because my mama’s lessons are endless.  Just today she helped me to see that sometimes you’ve got to look back so that you can get what you need to move forward.  She’s the coolest….most awesome…supercalafragilisticexpealidocious mom ever!  I’m so glad she’s mine and I cherish each day I have to spend with her.  So while she’s here…I’ll continue to remember her in a happy way.  She rocks!

Until next time…

Hakuna Matata

So…Broken Crayons Still Color

So…I know it’s been awhile…like forever since the last time I posted….my bad…:( life is tough…and busy! My brain was on overload….I just couldn’t. Anyway…a lot has changed for me…I’m seeing through new eyes!

Bare with me…this one is difficult to write. 
So a few years ago I shared with you my one word for the year and how it’s a goal for the year to help you change your life. This year…my word is love. 

Seems pretty straight forward right? I thought so too. I knew when I heard this word sometime in June that it was going to be a toughie though. See…I’ve struggled with love for a very long time. I haven’t loved the main person in forever…that’s me…

So…let’s get to the root of that…ready? I finally came to terms with it back in January. When I say it’s life changing…to get it out and finally just deal with my demons…here goes…when I was 20 years old…I was sexually assaulted by my then boyfriend…it happened on Valentine’s Day on my college campus in my dorm room. 

I’m sure there are lots of questions from that statement…let’s address them. 

Q. What was he doing in your dorm room? 

 A. well…we were allowed to have visitors of the opposite sex in our rooms. Our dorm was coed. As long as it was during allowable hours (and it was) it wasn’t an issue. We had planned a fun evening. We were going to watch a movie then go to the Valentine’s Day celebration thingamabob on campus. 

Q. You must’ve done something to make him think it was okay. Right? 

A. Wrong. I tricked myself with this question for years. We had been sexually active before. But we had decided we were cooling our jets because we were going to get to know each other better. We had had a successful date before without sex so I had a reasonable expectation that he would stick to our agreement. 

Q. Why didn’t you fight him off? Surely at your size you could have kept him off of you? 

A. Lemme tell you something….I tried with all my might to keep him off of me. I fought him…I scratched him….I pleaded with him…it didn’t help. When someone pulls you down by your hair and you’re begging…and they get extra hands to keep you from continuing to scratch them and they are sitting on you and somehow still manages to get your clothes off to get to what they want…well…you can only try and fight so much…I never got that adrenaline rush people say you get when you are afraid. I fought. I was just unsuccessful. 

Q. Why wait all this time to say something? It’s been 20 years…why didn’t you report it then? 

A. I’ve been asking myself the same questions….for 20 years. After it happened, he got dressed and left. I immediately went and showered. I felt dirty and violated I just knew if I could wash it off I’d be okay. I needed to wash it off! I could still smell him everywhere. I stripped my bed…tossed my clothes and then…I got dressed. I went to the V-Day party…sans boyfriend and convinced myself that I was okay. I was surrounded by friends and good music. It would be fine! I could not have been more wrong.  

I didn’t report it because I thought no one would believe me. I didn’t want to be dragged through the mud and be told I was ruining a young black man’s life….I’d heard these words regarding another situation on our college campus….surely I couldn’t say a word! 

Q. Surely you’re over it now? It’s been TWENTY YEARS! 

A. ….yeah…about that…20 years is a very long time to hold something in….you don’t know how much your life is shaped by a thing until you call that thing out. Looking back…I see how that one event changed my life’s path and shaped many decisions I’ve made through the years. 

One such decision that seems completely random and not related is that I avoid reunions with my friends from college. Sure…we are all friends on Facebook. I always get excited about proposed meet ups but when the time comes….I turn into Casper….it has always activated an anxiety in me that makes me not want to be around people especially them! They didn’t rape me. They didn’t even know! But the memory of that day and night becomes so real when I think of reuniting with my friends. I’ve missed so much….births…weddings…opportunities to help another heal…just. So. Much! All because I couldn’t deal with the aftermath of my assault. 

I think about the way I’ve dealt with men over the years…lord have mercy…I can see my choices with perfect vision and how I made myself a target because I didn’t deal. Low self esteem…since I blamed myself shaped my decisions to just accept whatever came because I didn’t deserve anything or anyone to genuinely love me. I was ruined…so why not just take whoever wanted me…that’s been very difficult to face because there were so many pains and heartaches I could’ve avoided had I just told the counselor I’d been raped and started some sort of program…

For years…I’d feel the darkness coming. Around November or December each year anxiety and depression would try to take over and I fought it as best I could. By January I’d be in a full blown panic on the inside but on the outside I was determined to make it through the year. I ignored everything in me. Every. Single. Year. After awhile I was numb and just put on whatever face I thought I needed to get through the day…week…month…year.

Anywho….I can’t change the past. All I can do is take steps to finally heal my heart and soul and spirit…

This year…I read a book that helped. I’d read the book before but for some reason when I read it this time…(for a Writing assignment) it resonated a different way. It completely touched me and I finally admitted what my issue was. I talked to a friend a church and she prayed with me. I’m the midst of our prayer someone else entered the room. She didn’t know the situation but she jumped in and prayed and put some more power in that room. 

A month or so later…due to a mix up…I was in attendance at a women’s ministry meeting at my church. The speaker was talking about broken pieces…and she asked if anyone wanted to share about a time they were broken. I resisted the first push in my gut to share my story. Then I found my hand in the air and the microphone in my hand. In a room of about 100 or so women I talked about my rape for the first time publicly. I felt so much lighter that day! You never know how heavy a thing is until it is lifted from you! 

So that’s why I’m sharing this now. By finally bring it into the light I can be completely free. I am a survivor of sexual assault. I’m no longer a prisoner to it. Now I’m taking my broken pieces and sharing them because broken crayons still color…there’s healing to be done. Some for me. Some for someone else. Someone needs to know it’s not your fault. That person had no right to do that to you. Your feelings are valid. It’s okay to tell someone. You have to For your own sanity! Either way…the time has come and if I want this healing…the exodus of this pain I’ve been carrying I’ve got to let it go….this was how. Thank you for reading. 

Until next time,

Hakuna Matata 

So…will you stop?

So…off on another walking adventure this morning. I get to my decided place to walk and start on the trail only to be bullied off by a very hungry caterpillar! It was huge! It was at least as big as my pinky finger! So…I surrendered the trail and decided to walk the parking lot. I discovered a sidewalk and decided to take it where it would lead me.

So I’m walking down the sidewalk. It ends so I turn around to go back. At this point I’m winded and when I saw where I have to go and that it’s uphill I thought, “somebody is gonna have to come pick me up and take me back to my car”. I realized though how ridiculous that sounded as I wasn’t injured or incapacitated. I just needed to keep going until I got back to my car. Then I had an epiphany! (I always have them when I walk. You’d think I would do it more often!) anyway. I thought…that’s how life is. Sometimes we are on a path and get tired. Worn out. Hurt. Ready to quit and call someone to bail us out but we shouldn’t. We just have to keep going. That’s the only way to get through life or to live…you have to keep going! If you stop and wait for someone to come get you, you’ll lose your momentum, you’ll waste time and you will miss all the good stuff along the way!

So…I kept walking. The hills would come. I trudged up them. Then they would level out. It would be great for awhile. Then I would get to a place where the sidewalk would end and I would turn around and find myself going up another hill. Then it would level out. The cycle kept repeating. I was finally back at my car. Winded. Feeling a mixed bag of emotions and just thankful to be done. I thought some more. Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt (India.Arie)…

Had I called someone to come get me…I would’ve missed out on some of the beauty around me. Wouldn’t have heard my favorite songs to make me feel better along the way…and I wouldn’t have gotten that great view of eye candy standing at the library when I got back! Lol. Okay….silly…but you get my point. When you give up…you miss out on the good stuff. No matter how big or small. So my words to myself and to you if you want to listen…don’t give up. I know I’ve had this conversation with me before….but anything worth it is worth repeating.

Until next time… 

 
Hakuna Matata

So…I wrote a love letter to my lady…

This year…I’ve had some friends lose their mothers.  It’s been difficult to read their posts on Facebook or get their phone calls telling me about it.  I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for some folks.  Sometimes we don’t say all we need to say to the folks we love while they are living which leads to regret when they leave this great earth.

Last year…I wrote a Mother’s Day post and I talked about my mom something fierce.  I didn’t do it this year, I think I just reposted the one I wrote last year.  Anyway…my mom’s on my mind a lot these days…so…I decided to write her a love letter!

She’s my favorite lady you know…here goes!

Dear Mumsy…George…Pearl…(those are all her names I call her!)

You completely and totally rock!  I’m so grateful to have a mother like you.  I know you don’t consider yourself my friend…but you really have some great friend qualities.  God gave me the greatest gift when He paired us.  I’m sure you didn’t know where this journey would lead you when I come into the world with all my newborn drama!  I mean…did you look at me and go…”now what am I supposed to do with her?”  I know I would have!

I can’t say enough how much you mean to me.  You’re a great example to me.  I remember when I was recovering from surgery how well you took care of me.  I always had food to eat…I didn’t have to worry about my clothes or even fixing the bed.  But when you were sick…recovering from surgery…I didn’t quite get it right like you did.  You had to ask for things because I didn’t think to do them.  I’m sorry I messed that up, but know that I’m starting to think ahead like you so…I’m learning to be ready for anything.

Thank you for making me understand that no matter what, you’re still my mom.  Even when that meant stepping back and letting me mess up royally…but then you were there to help me put the pieces back together.  I can’t imagine not having you there.  You knew I needed you even when I didn’t say a word and you were right there…helping me.  But you still gave me room to be…

When I was afraid to move forward, you’ve always been right there guiding me.  Convincing me that God’s plans were still going on even though I couldn’t see them.  You’ve helped me see what a relationship with God looks like.  You’re busy doing His work and that includes me!  But you didn’t stop there.  You’ve shown love to my friends so much so that they won’t let you go either!

Since I’m not there, I feel crazy that I can’t check on you with my eyes like I want to.  I have to settle for text messages and phone calls.  But I have my friends that you’ve claimed as your own who check up on you and take care of you.  They can get a glimpse of what I’ve known about you all along.  You’re a great example of God’s love.  You show it in everything you do.  Whether that’s exercising, playing games, praying for us or baking cakes…you’re showing it!

I love how you love me even though my house isn’t clean like yours.  You’ve never come in and said…”ugh..I can’t even sit down to talk because there’s stuff everywhere…”…(I’m working on it…seriously….)….I love how you love me even though I’m not on my fitness routine like you….or that I’m not up on political events like you…(I mean…you know…I’d rather read a book about it than watch MSNBC…lol…)

It might seem like I’m rambling…but these are just things that’ve been going through my mind….I could be selfish and try to keep you to myself…but I can’t do that…then you would be so unhappy to not be able to share yourself the way you do.  I’ll say again..I’m so grateful to have you as my mom.  There’s no one else I can say that I’d want to be my mom.  Yeah…when I was a teenager…I didn’t get you…in my twenties…I was a little crazy…but now…at almost forty…I’ve got it…I’ve really got it.  You’re the best mom ever!

I love you to pieces!  Now I see how folks will fight about their moms.  “You said what about my mama?”  POW! – Right in the kisser!  Yup.  I get it now.  Took me awhile…but I’m there…I hope you don’t mind that I’ve shared your letter with everyone…but I kinda felt like shouting it from the rooftop…

I Love you Mumsy!

I’ve seen this little picture a million times on the web.  It’s true…these are the stages we go through with our moms…but..I’m glad to be on the sane side of it!

Have you talked to your mom today?  If you can…why don’t you call her up…

Until next time,

Hakuna Matata

So…Kimyatta, Kimyatta, Where Art Thou?

Hello hello followers!  Have you missed me?  I’ve certainly missed my writing.  When I first started this blog…my goal was to write three times a week.  That dwindled to something like once a week…to once a month…to..”when was the last time I blogged?”

God has certainly turned some things around in my life since the last time I wrote…back in MAY….wondering why earthworms don’t bury their dead…May is the time of year when I would always get antsy about my job hunt because that’s when there are many in my field that are posted.  So, though that post was about my weight loss, it encouraged me to press forward in my job search.  I remembered that when I wished every one a happy new year, I talked about my one word…which is two words for the year: Persevere and Dream…I knew I couldn’t give up.  Even though, for four years, I’d tried and tried to find something in my field, I had not secured a position.  Though the positions were plentiful, it seemed as though the right one for me was either hiding or not in the field as I had hoped.

Well, it turns out, I was on the right track but I had to keep pressing and pressing and pressing.  Through all the muck and the mire, I had to keep trying.  I can’t tell you how many tears I cried after applying for over 1000 positions for which I qualified but not receiving a single phone call for an interview for the first two years.  Then, I finally started getting calls, but they were far from where I lived (why did I apply in those places though).  I think I just wanted to be open to ever opportunity available.

In my last position at the call center, I finally started being honest and would ask for the time off instead of calling off sick when I had an interview.  When the time wasn’t granted, I would still go, but just let my supervisor know that I had some important business to take care of and would be either late coming in or late returning from lunch.  She knew I longed to leave.  So, when I turned in my resignation, she wasn’t surprised a bit.

You read that right.  I turned in my resignation at the call center and my last day there was July 31!  I don’t think I had been that happy since the birth of my daughter!  Anyway, I’m back in my field.  My daughter and I have moved…The theme song from the television show The Jeffersons is certainly apropos to our  situation.  We packed up in three weeks to move across the metro area.  I moved from a small town that was quiet and had fewer than 15000 people in the city and just over 100,000 folks in the county to a place with nearly 700,000 folks in the county.  That’s kinda scary.  Surely not what we’re used to but we are adjusting.

I’m loving my new job.  I do my best each and every day because I know it’s what I was called to do.  I think back to the year my focus changed from my outward circumstances to my inward attitude and I see how I was being prepared for this.  I could not have changed with the negative attitude I had.  I was also sooooo close to giving up.  That dude on the bottom of this photo was almost me…but I kept going and I hit my diamonds!

 

I can’t tell you how excited I was to get that phone call that told me I had the job.  The boss could hear the excitement in my voice.  Kinda felt like I’d won a million dollars.  The team I work with is awesome.  I’m grateful for the change.  A lot has changed since the last time I worked in my field but one thing hasn’t.  This is what I’m supposed to be doing.  Good days and bad days alike, I’m grateful for finally being in a place where I feel like I belong.  I feel like I fit!

So, more to come about the continuous battle with the scale and writing!  I have to tell you about my wonderful writing workshop with Victoria Christopher Murray!  And of course, I have to give you more stories about The Girl..who is now 13 and making me earn every dollar I get paid for being a mommy…(wait..my bad! I don’t get paid for that!)  Well she is sure making me earn my title (and these new gray hairs!).  By the way, I finally eased up and let her have a blog.  She’s over at http://www.kamsayshi.wordpress.com .  When you read her posts…you’ll say..”yup…she belongs to Kimyatta”…

Anywho…I promise not to be a stranger and next time won’t be so far away…

Until next time,

Hakuna Matata

 

Relationships…

Sooooo since the author of MY blog is apparently missing…I’m gonna share with you my daughter’s blog….

Kam Says Hi

…HI!

Soooooooooo…

This week I have decided to talk about relationships because I have noticed that am always helping people with their relationships and their problems within it. I’mma give a lil bit of advice on here

Before i say anything, let me just say

1. I am not a professional.
2. I am not allowed to date. 😛
3. and…I am only using typical problems.

here goes nothing……….

• DO NOT go looking for someone. The right person will come to you.
• People will say things you may not like about your relationship. Who cares what they say. Happiness is all that matters.
• If you find yourself falling for another person, choose the second one because if you really loved that first person you wouldn’t fall for the second one
• Don’t show off your new relationship. You’ll look stupid telling everybody that you just started dating and you guys have 3,000 things in…

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So…why don’t earthworms bury their dead?

The other morning I woke up in one of my moods…I did not care to exercise.  I wanted to quit.  I got mad because it should be easier to decide to take steps to be healthy…I just keep thinking…”Fit folks don’t have to do this!”  So, I wanted to give up…I go through this often..so no alarm…All winter and much of April, I lamented about the weather preventing me from getting my walk on since my preferred method of exercise is walking through my fine town.  I get to see all the beautiful historic homes on my route and when I’m in for a long walk, I get to take in our historic downtown area.  Well how much nicer can you get with 58 degrees in the morning?  Yeah, I’ve been lazy. So…I pushed..and fought and fussed..and hemmed and hawed and all of that…then I got up and put my clothes on to walk.

Instead of staying in the neighborhood, I ventured out and walked towards downtown through the aforementioned scenery.  Part of this trip is on a sidewalk next to grassy areas.  This morning I noticed an alarming number of dead earthworms when I walked.  This completely and totally creeped me out!  It made my skin crawl.  I know…I know…they can’ t hurt me…but that doesn’t change how it made me feel.  Every now and then, I’d come across one that was still alive and was pushing through trying to get to its destination.  No matter how dehydrated, flattened or whatever it was, it kept trying it’s darnedest to get to wherever it was going!  I tried to scoot on past them but the lesson had already been taught.

I pressed on and finished my walk.  I didn’t make it all the way downtown…but I did manage to get my 40 minutes in at a decent pace.  The entire walk though, all I kept thinking about was those earthworms.  Those poor ones that were still on the sidewalk who lost their fight and the ones that were still struggling to make it.  I realized that the ones who continued to fight, even the hopeless ones with partially flattened bodies are fighting.  Do they know that their fight is hopeless?  Who knows, but I see their little wiggling selves trying and trying and trying.  That told me that no matter what, I should just keep fighting.  Keep hoping.  Keep moving.  Do. Not. Give. Up.

One of my challenges in my journey is not seeing many people who’ve had success starting from where I did.  When I do find folks who’ve lost as much weight as I have to lose, I only see their end result and their maintenance phases.  But I want to see where they started…their frustrations.  It’s hard to find their stories from the beginning.  When you stop seeing results, you get discouraged and it’s easier to just quit.  I guess I’ll be like the earthworm though…I’ll press through…and keep wiggling and pushing and trying to make it to my destination until there is no more breath in me.  Yep…that’ll do it…

Until next time,

Hakuna Matata

So…The Scale-a is a Li-YA!

So…this weight loss journey is not for the faint of heart. Each and every day, a person on this journey has to overcome new obstacles. It is never just living.

In the month of March, my prayer partner and I fasted. One of the things I prayed about on the fast was making my weight loss journey more automatic or at least something that wasn’t such a big fight each and every day. For me, that almost always involves what I put into my mouth. So, the fast helped me to do that. It amazes me how much “stuff” is in the food we buy each day. We eat it without a second thought most times. I sincerely wish I didn’t have an aversion to farms, dirt and all that stuff, because I’d sincerely consider raising ALL of my own food!

ANYWAY…I said all that to say…my scale and I are not good friends…It LIES! I weighed on one Friday and the Monday that followed, my scale was EXACTLY ten pounds more than it was on Friday. I know that I did not for real gain ten pounds in 3 days. The culprit had to be water retention. So…as I examined my diet, I found that yeast had been the culprit of water retention…yup…I had not been eating things with yeast as ingredients and as soon as I did…my body retaliated and held onto water like a desert nomad! So…I’m working on that.

In the meantime…I’d like to celebrate some non-scale victories. You know…these are things that let you know that you’re making progress even when your scale says the opposite. Remember…your scale is just telling you about your relationship with gravity…lol.

So…here’s what I’m celebrating. Since last May (since that’s when I started writing about this journey), I have gone down 4 pants sizes, 3-5 shirt sizes (depends on what sizing chart you’re using…) and 3 dress sizes.

I’ve also mastered walking 3 miles without stopping. I’ve also reached the 5K distance. I participated in a Breast Cancer Walk with some friends and the coordinators told us that it was a 3.5 mile walk and I was so nervous! I walked with my friends, and it only ended up being 3.1 miles. I walked the whole way and slowed down only to pick up a bottle of water.

In the moments leading up to the walk, my friends and I had photos taken. In one of the photos, Kerrie suggested that we take one jumping. My first thought was, “Lord, everyone else is gonna be off the ground and I’ll just have bent knees with my feet on the floor.” I was so very distraught at the thought but I decided to give it a good try….and low and behold…I JUMPED! Like…I have evidence…on the photo, there is a shadow beneath my feet! So…what’d I do? Did I celebrate with cake?? Nope…I went and bought myself a jump rope.

Photo is the courtesy of Hyacinth Wright (an AMAZING photographer…and all around wonderful person…)…

I also came across some amazing recipes that are flavorful and introduced me to some healthier eating that don’t make me feel like I’ve missed anything. Yum…yum..and yum!

I’ve also been keeping my blood sugar in check, blood pressure down and I found out yesterday that my cholesterol is down since February! Wooo hooooo!!! Dancing…dancing….DANCING! I’m doing alright…

Now…the next victory I’ll celebrate will be finishing an “official” 5K in record time. I reached my fastest walking time and it was a 19 minute mile. So, I’m interested in decreasing that time. I also plan to increase my distance. Back when I was seeing Dr. Him, he made the snide comment, “well, you’d lose a lot of weight if you walked 5 miles a day.” At the time, I could barely walk 1 mile. HA! If he could see me now! It’s been nearly a year since I last visited that practice with Drs. Him and Her. Considering the diabetes diagnosis, I figured I’d have at least been contacted regarding an appointment…but erm…uh…no! Ah well…I probably wouldn’t have answered their call anyway.

So…while my scale is holding steady with the same number from two weeks ago, my body, my actions and my internal systems are telling a different story. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m so on my way to where I should be! That’s exciting. The end of the month, I’ll be weighing in for the final time for a challenge I took up with a local hospital called Get Healthy West Georgia. The goal is to have lost 10% of my weight from the initial weigh in. Let’s see!

Until Next time,

Hakuna Matata